Back to Blogging...

Sorry I've been away for so long. There has been a lot of stuff happening in our lives recently, my job loss, Sprout's allergy testing, Spud being a typical three year old, and Mrs. H. getting a promotion that raises her responsibilities and hours but not her pay. To top it off, the "pre-discernment committee" has decided that the priesthood is not the right place for me at this time.

I agree with some of the reasons that Fr. Roger gave me for not wanting to take me to see the bishop, but some of them sounded kinda far fetched and insulting. One reason was my spiritual maturity level. On one hand I can see his point. I haven't been an Episcopalian long. But by the same token, I am more spiritually mature and knowledgeable than the average person in the pews on Sunday. I am also a seven year Navy veteran who served during wartime (though not in combat). That lends itself to a level of maturity that someone like him who never served can never understand.

The second reason, but the one he listed first, was that I am recently unemployed and that the bishop won't even talk to me since I don't have a job. I'm definitely raising the BS flag on that one. First of all, while I am not working for the VA anymore, I have the most demanding employers on the planet right now... my two children. I am a full time homemaker, which is as demanding a job as anyone can have. The fact that I don't get a paycheck for it does not mean I am not working or don't have a level of stability in my life. Mrs. H. who had homemaker duties before this, was even more offended at that than I was. Besides, if I have a job that I am happy at and that pays well, why would I even think about changing careers to something that works long hours, pays little, and is full of stress? And wouldn't I have to quit my job to go to seminary in the first place? I call BS.

Third reason: I have two small children and seminary would strain my family life and I would miss "the best part of my kids lives." Excuse me, I missed most of the first 18 months of Spud's life and strained my marriage because I was working on getting a degree while working full time. I did that specifically so we could start the discernment process. Hell, I was even working on school stuff while at the hospital when Sprout was born! You could have raised those concerns before I wasted a year and a half jumping your first hurdle. Thank you very fracking much. Have a nice day.

My honest assessment, after putting much thought into the situation, paints a different picture, and one that is not very flattering. I now believe that Fr. Roger wanted to say "no" from the beginning but didn't want to give me the real reasons outright. He never did think I had what it takes and even though he says, "the conversation is not over" as far as he is concerned, I believe his mind has been made up before we even started. For whatever reason, he doesn't think I am priestly material and never has. Secondly, he and the diocese are focused on the new up and coming Father who swam the Tiber to us and has a ready built and growing Hispanic ministry. Why focus the time and energy on getting someone ready for postulancy when they already have a former Catholic priest that won't need seminary training and is already bringing people into the church? Third, while All Saints is growing and isn't hurting for money at the moment, they don't have the resources to support a postulant through three years of seminary. Like everyone else, the recession has hit the church's coffers, and they just purchased a plot of land to build a church building on. It boils down to money and time, and right now they don't want to spend either.

I'm sure this sounds bitter, and it is meant to. I am hurt and angry and want to vent. I have spent the last three days feeling absolutely worthless and dejected because of this. I am going to continue to go to All Saints, because I love the people there, and because we have ties there as "plank owners", but the honeymoon is definitely over. I thought maybe we would be above politics but I was wrong.

On the bright side, I don't have to feel like I am walking on eggshells and that my actions, words or blog postings will reflect poorly on my hopes of becoming a priest. That ship has sailed, the dream crushed beyond repair, and now I can be free to be the ever loving heretic I am.